Thank you for your terrific Web site!
I need your help in understanding and affirming what I am.
I just turned (a young) 45. When I was about 12 or 13, I realized I was exclusively attracted to men. I always felt different from the boys, even early in my childhood. However, I was never really effeminate. I was just more gentle and introspective and not at all interested in things like sports or rough play. I liked quiet play, being in nature, having as many girls as boys as friends, etc.
Although, as I said, I have never been effeminate in that stereotypical way that effeminate gay men can affect, my feeing of difference from what I think of as "real men" has persisted. In fact, that difference gives me an erotic thrill. I like to imagine a masculine man tell me I am not really a man, making fun of my small (4") penis, fondling my breasts, making me admire his hairy body, ... (edited) That kind of thing.
Although I started my teenage years and early adulthood by thinking of myself as a "gay man," an interesting development occurred. When I was in my twenties, I developed a very strong fantasy of having a vagina. That quickly metamorphosed into the desire to have a female body and to have sex with men in the body of a woman. When I had sex with men in gay bathhouses, I would often take their penises between my legs while I kept my legs together, to simulate heterosexual intercourse.
Later in my twenties I began to try female hormones on and off. Finally, in 2000, I underwent castration (the removal of my testicles) and began a full course of female hormones while in therapy with a gender therapist.
I really enjoyed the feminization of my body. Strangely, though, I was never interested in wearing female clothes or makeup in public. I don't mind people noticing that my body and face (which is mostly hairless now from electrolysis) are somewhat feminine or at least less than masculine -- in other words, failing to pass as a man. But I'm not interested in "living as a woman."
I stopped taking the female hormones after about a year and half, for religious reasons. But the urge continues and since 2002 I have gone through short periods of taking female hormones and even planning for the removal of my penis and the creation of labia to simulate the appearance of a vulva. I did not go through with that second surgery, but if I could "press a button" and have it accomplished instantly without the expense and hassle, I would do so.
So I would like your opinion and your advice. Even though I am not effeminate and am not interested in dressing as a woman, am I really a man? I'm not a man, am I? I would actually appreciate your firm opinion in that regard. I have a somewhat feminine face, noticeable breasts, a wide bottom, a very small penis, and a slit between my legs where my testicles used to be (because the emptied scrotum took on the form of pussy lips after it healed -- another reason why I feel a further surgery might not be necessary). I don't have a right to call myself a man, do I? I want to be clear that I do not want to think of myself as a man. I actually want to be different from real men, because I see them as different and respect them so much. In many ways I regard them as my superiors, but not in any weird way.
How can I better see and accept myself as third gender and not a man? In your opinion, what should be my inner attitude when I am in the presence of a "real man," who has a masculine gender identity? My deep feeling is that I owe such men particular respect and a sense of willingness to serve.
I was glad to come across your site because I have thought for a long time that the western view of "gay v. straight" is wrong. I see the reality as "real men," "pussy boys" (sorry for the pejorative sound of that, but that's how I see it) and women.
Jhonny
You are Third Gender and rightly proud of it!
Your experience proves that a person with a male body doesn't have to be overly effeminate to be third gender.
The third gender is about being a female in a male body. This can be in different ways. What in the West is known as transvestism or cross-dressing is only one way of being third gender. The effeminacy you talk about in gays is often negatively/ gaudily exaggerated. Femininity doesn't have to be so obvious. It can be subtle, calm and nurturing.
In your case, your third gender is accompanied by physical characteristics. But in gays (i.e. feminine males who like men), often the physical body is that of a man, and often there is no desire to change their outer sex, however, there is a strong femininity inside. It makes them feel like women -- and different from men -- while at the sametime not really wanting to have a sex change. True heterosexuals (i.e. males who are really capable of forming emotional bonds with women) too are another form of third gender, where the males think of themselves as the same gender as women, and relate to them as 'equals' or rather the 'same'.
You are definitely not a man -- which refers to a masculine gendered male. However, this should not be viewed negatively, because feminine gendered males are an important part of the natural scheme of things, without which the rainbow of life would be incomplete. They also serve important biological functions,
which we can determine only when we accept and acknowledge the trait of third gender as natural and normal.
I am uncomfortable with calling the third gender with terms like "pussy boys". Perhaps it may serve as a fetish for you. But socially, rights and dignity for the third gender is as important as rights and dignity for men.
As far as sex change is concerned -- it's a good thing for some people, with all the technology around, however, if the society accepted third gender as natural and normal and stopped insisting on only two kinds of sexes -- male and female, there would be no need for either sex change operation or castration at all. The third genders can live in their natural bodies as people of a third gender -- who are both male and female.
The traditional societies like India too encourage castration as a social symbol of third gender, but the fact is that only about 7% of Hijras are castrated.
I don't really think its an issue of 'right' of calling yourself a man. I guess its an issue of the 'right' of not being called a 'man' in your case. The Western society forces all males to be labelled as men, as it doesn't recognise third gender. this is when the negative terms like 'pussy boys' come into being, to denote the negative forms of third gender. Therefore, you and other third gender people, including 'homosexuals' and true 'heterosexuals' should fight for the right to not being called as 'men', but being recognised as a separate third gender.
I can see your desparation to be acknowledged as a third gender, and to throw aside the forced identity as a man, because it is not your natural identity, and so it has created an extreme stress on you -- a weight you've been carrying all your life. Your culture denied you your identity and forced an alien identity on you. So, it is natural for you to feel the way you do, when your identity gets recognition from a traditional, more rooted to the nature, culture.
We men too have been going through a similar oppression around our identities. Only in our case, we are threatened to be forced with a third gender identity (gay -- although its not recognised as a third gender identity, in reality and in practise it is a third gender identity) if we accept our sexual feelings and need for another man. So, in order to keep our identity as men, we have to kill an important part of ourself -- our power to bond with another man and be one with him -- something which is the essence of our natural manhood.
You've very well described your feeling of being different from 'real men'. When all males are called 'men', even the 'third gender', then people have to resort to terms like "real men" and "pussy boys" to differentiate between important gender differences. And, your feeling different from real men is certainly not about "a sexual need for men" per se, although your sexual need for men is different from my sexual need for men, since yours is a sexual need of a third gender person for a man, which is like heteroexuality (between two opposites), while mine is that of a man's need for another man -- i.e. between two equals (however I won't call my need 'homosexuality' because it has been used to described the gay sexuality and acknowledging the difference is important). Your sexuality for men as a third gender is different from both men's sexuality for men and women's sexuality for men.
So, it's clear that your feeling different from "real men" is because of your gender. And that is why you are looking for another identity from "real men". It is the same with the 'gays', although, their third genderism is different, the reason they feel different from "real men" (i.e. straight men or masculine gendered males) is because of gender and not because of sexuality -- although gays insist it is a sexuality difference. The fact is that all straight men have a sexual need for men, and they never feel any need to differentiate themselves from other men on this basis. On the contrary, they give in to the intense pressures to kill their sexual need for men, only so that they are not differentiated from the group of "real/ straight men", which is their real identity and space.
But, even when you accept yourself as 'third gender', you will feel incomplete, because your society will keep forcing the 'man' label on you, however hard you may try to resist it. And that fosters frustration and a feeling of incongruency.
We men have to suffer that too, when we accept our sexual feelings for men and acknowledge it openly. Then the third gender (gay) identity is enforced upon us -- which practically means that social femininity is enforced upon us, and the society just refuses to acknowledge our manhood. This too creates frustration and a feeling of inferiority creep into us, to avoid which, we run away from our sexual feelings for men, all our lives.
So, in order to feel complete as a person of the 'third gender', you need to fight the society, along with members of the third sex to change the society. You should also take the support of men, and support them in return for their fight for their identity and rights -- because the oppression of third gender and that of men is closely related. And, if we could sort out the problems in the labels/ definitions, most of our problems will be solved. These problems have been deliberately created as part of a deep rooted and ancient conspiracy under which social manhood has been extremely politicised and manipulated.
If you can create even a small social space where manhood is not thrust upon you and you are acknowledged as a third gender person, it would do wonders for you.
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I think when you see a "real man" (which of course means a masculine gendered male) then your attitude should be of treating each other with dignity and respect.
The society will at times make you feel small because of your third gender status, and sometimes, members of third gender learn to find this situation sexually exciting, and start to enjoy this treatment in a kinky kind of way, which is harmful. If the man treats you negatively, you should not let this affect your self-respect and you should refuse to be treated that way.
Members of the third gender are really special people. They were believed earlier to have divine qualities as people who had both masculine and feminine energies. We should strive to bring back that respect and status for members of the third gender.
And yes... do get a feminine name for yourself. That will add to your third gender status. In somecultures, members of the third gender wear clothes, names, mannerisms, etc. of both men and women. You may want to try that.
